exploring & escapades

Hello, it’s been kind of a long time since I last wrote anything. Not because I haven’t had anything to say, but more because of smaller, trivial types of crises; i.e. I was in the process of creating my own, unique site, where, I envisioned, I would post from now until forever. Unfortunately, tomorrow quickly becomes next week, and suddenly, next week is next month, and next thing you know, your website still isn’t done, and you still need to write something but have not. Which is exactly how I came to be in this situation, writing to a non-existent audience, for no purpose other than to drain a pool of thought, if you will.

Maybe it’s because of the new year or the new semester, but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about goals and dreams and things I’ve always wanted to do, but maybe forgot about or don’t care about anymore. Like how, when I was five, I was totally set on being an astronaut. I would just read and read books about being an astronaut and outer space, in general, and BAM. That was it; I was going to be an astronaut. Or an author and all the stories I would write and replay in my head every night as I drifted to sleep. When I was older, I was going to write them down and have them published. Then, there was the whole ‘koala trainer’ phase I went through. I’m not really sure how one becomes a koala trainer, or even if ‘koala trainer’ is even a legitimate profession for that matter, but again, lots of books, Beanie Baby koalas, a koala GigaPet, and some Australian Adventure Polly Pockets and that was it. Done.

Of course, these are all childhood dreams, dreams of the past; they’re cute to remember, but it’s safe to say that I’m not planning on blasting off into space with my pet koala anytime soon. I’ve really been thinking a lot about other dreams, the goals that are most recent, things that I’ve simply forgotten. For instance: Dubai. I was set on studying there, not for any particular reason, except that my Dad gave up a business trip there once, because I begged to come along. He didn’t have the heart to go without me, but he did make it very clear that no daughter of his would be going to the Middle East. I’m stubborn; aka, since then, I promised myself I’d go to Dubai- for me and for him. Or lets go back to the childhood dreams: maybe I don’t necessarily want to be a koala trainer anymore, but I haven’t forgotten my dream to venture Down Under. Or my desire to own my own company, which at thirteen, I decided would be called ‘Woof’ (seven years later, there may be several changes to said company, starting with the name).

I guess what I’m getting at is, why haven’t I accomplished anything? What am I doing right now? Suddenly, I’m twenty years old in my third year of college with absolutely no idea what I want. Where did all of these dreams and goals go? I always wanted to do something off the beaten path; to make my own mark. But now I’m actually considering Law School or Public Administration? Deep down, I know the little girl that couldn’t wait to explore the unknown would not be excited about either of those at all. Maybe then, I’m trying to find answers for the present from the past- what would seven year old me do? Is that fair, though? Maybe I’ve changed; maybe that isn’t a bad thing. Maybe the fact that I only changed after bad things happened is just a coincidence.

Questions. Everything leads to another.

I still don’t know, but it was nice to write it all out, to dream about finding the answer.